The World’s Most Boring Alien
Krpzzzzk slowly emerged from the cramped pod onto the surface of Planet Earth, tentacles quivering with excitement. Finally — after years traveling unfathomable light years alone in hypersleep, it had reached this mythical world oozing with wonders that Krpzzzzk would relay back to its home planet of Zlorb, hailed as the greatest intergalactic explorer in Zlorbian history!
Krpzzzzk’s orb-like eyes swiveled wildly, soaking up first images of this alien land. Strange angular caves dotted a gray terrain covered in dark vines. Several vehicles zoomed by on a wide trail emitting foul smoke. Krpzzzzk extended a sensing tendril and jumped back, shocked by immense energy readings! What immense power source fueled these rocketing projectiles? Krpzzzzk would unlock all the marvelous secrets hidden on this planet!
Just then, one of the box-like vehicles pulled up nearby and a humanoid emerged holding some kind of leash connected to a smaller Earth creature. Krpzzzzk nearly fainted with exhilaration — first contact with inhabitants already! And they brought a pet — surely a vicious battlebeast flaunting their savage power! Krpzzzzk recorded everything eagerly, writing mental notes about the human’s colorful “shell-covering” flapping in the wind, the battle-pet creature’s imposing pointy ears, the human manipulating a mysterious bag emitting alluring scents…
As the alien relayed stories back to his homeworld, the Zlorb High Council conferred honors for the intrepid explorer revealing thrilling mysteries from distant galaxies. Local Zlorbian schoollings fought to get copies of Krpzzzzk’s dispatches from Earth, featuring amazing tales of drab urban landscapes, domesticated predator-pets called “Puggles”, massive steel transportation pods humans seemed to think rather mundane, and powerful energy sources actually just exploding bits of ancient plants…
Truly astounding revelations! If only Krpzzzzk realized its passionate dispatches were actually about inner-city parking lots, smelly trash bags, internal combustion engines…and an apathetic Pug on its nightly walk rather unimpressed with the baffled alien enthusiastically recording its every yawn and fart with advanced technology beyond human comprehension…
Some seek magnificent wonders in the unknown void. While others just encounter beings with very, very different concepts of what exactly constitutes “thrilling”.
After relaying its breathless dispatches back to Zlorb about the exhilarating adventures of “Fido the Earth Battle Hound”, Krpzzzzk decided more research was required. It stealthily followed the Pug and its human back to their “Den Hive”, intrigued by glowing boxes glimpsed through windows.
Krpzzzzk snuck closer and peered inside, tentacles quivering. One glowing box displayed images of humans performing amazing feats of balance and dexterity! “By the Egg Sacs of Morphazor, they have telepathic control over their warriors’ physical extremities!” Krpzzzzk exclaimed.
Just then, Garth the couch-potato burped and changed the channel from gymnastics finals to a sitcom rerun, oblivious to the alien marveling just outside. To Krpzzzzk’s amazement, the box now showed a human conversing with…itself! Incroyable! An advanced AI interface!
Rushing back to the pod, Krpzzzzk sent a hyper-space communication to the Zlorbian High Secretary: “Earthlings have mastered the digitization of personalities! Behold this witty Virtual Human bantering seamlessly with its organic creator! Surely this breakthrough will elevate all Zlorb once I decrypt the science behind it!”
Back on Zlorb, much fanfare and excitement stirred in the halls of the Academy upon receiving this news. “At last, intergalactic fame and renown is within our grasp!” the Elders cheered. “Krpzzzzk unraveling such advanced technology will launch Zlorbian intellect across the cosmos!”
If only they knew their exalted hero was raptly taking notes about Baxter the recalcitrant AI butler on Garth’s favorite sitcom, just visible behind his stained boxer shorts as he snorted Orange Fizzies powder while sitting just a bit too close to his flickering 4K. Alas, some discoveries say more about the observer than the observed.
Over the next few Earth weeks, Krpzzzzk continued its intrepid exploration of humankind’s everyday mundanities — which only fueled greater excitement back on Zlorb.
When it relayed lengthy observations of the garage door opening and closing as Garth came and went in his battered sedan, the Zlorbian Transportation Ministry leaked rumors of humans harnessing gravitational waves for effortless powered flight.
Likewise, descriptions of Garth microwaving hot pockets and binge watching Netflix provoked whispers across Zlorbian academies that Earth hosted perpetual energy reactors feeding limitless entertainment to its inhabitants.
The final straw came when Krpzzzzk intercepted the WiFi signals from Garth’s smart home devices, decoding their communication protocols into a glitchy translation. Apparently Garth’s “Alexa” assistant organized his life while “Nest” regulated climate. Surely evidence of advanced AI serving humans!
Krpzzzzk’s final dispatch arrived to massive crowds gathered in Zlorb’s capital to welcome astronauts selected for first-contact by capturing Garth for interstellar celebrity status tours.
Meanwhile back on Earth, Garth scratched himself and tossed crumpled conspiracy blogs off his laptop keyboard, completely unaware of the alien feverishly taking notes nearby about his YouTube history and Amazon suggested products…
…Nor the descending Zlorbian ships bound to be quite disappointed that humankind’s “cybernetic assistants” turned out to be glitchy Echo Dots and overpriced thermostats ordered in a 3AM Amazon impulse buy. At least the invading astronauts might find spare bags of Cheetos under Garth’s stained recliner while they puzzle over how this civilization inspired such lofty dreams across the stars!
