The Bureaucracy of the Void
Please take a number from infinity
and wait in the non-existent line
while our staff of shadow clerks
process your application for being.
Form NV-401(d):
Request for Existential Validation
must be submitted in triplicate
to the Department of Was and Wasn’t.
Please note:
All metaphysical permits
expire at the speed of light.
Renewal requires three witnesses
who never existed.
Our office hours:
Never to Always
(closed during eternities
and metaphysical holidays)
Current wait time
for reality processing:
∞ minus yesterday
plus three quantum uncertainties
Required documentation:
- Proof of consciousness (notarized)
- Two forms of nonexistence ID
- Your soul’s routing number
- Previous lives’ tax returns
The Committee for Cosmic Affairs
regrets to inform you
that your moment of being
has been temporarily misplaced.
Please fill out Form NV-501:
Application for Lost Time Recovery
(available in the basement
between Abstract and Void)
Note from HR:
Due to budget cuts,
we’ve reduced the number
of dimensions we support.
Please adjust your existence accordingly.
Important:
All epiphanies must be
properly filed and indexed
before enlightenment processing
can begin.
Interdepartmental Memo:
The meaning of life
is currently under review.
Please use temporary purpose
until further notice.
For immediate assistance:
Press 1 for existential crisis
Press 2 for temporal paradox
Press 3 for infinite regress
Press 0 to speak to the abyss
Your case number is:
#җ∞☸️&void
Please reference this
in all future non-existence.
Remember:
All decisions of the Void
are final, temporary,
and simultaneously
both/neither.
Filing deadline:
Yesterday’s tomorrow
or next week’s never,
whichever comes first.
Sincerely,
The Management
(A subsidiary of
Eternal Nothingness Inc.)
*Terms and conditions apply in all possible worlds
**Reality not guaranteed
***No refunds on existence
